What recovery means to me

Recovery means finally being present in my own life…and more specifically…being present in new and exotic places. Growing up, I have always had the travel bug. But my desire to explore the world and experience new things was pushed to the backburner during the depth of my eating disorder. I never completely squashed the bug, but I was more likely to turn down opportunities to go on long trips in fear of constantly eating out. Recovery has finally restored this passion of mine. I am no longer concerned with not having “safe” foods available for me on my trips.

During Memorial Day weekend I took a trip to Michigan and enjoyed some fun in the sun. I was finally able to be present in the moment without stressing over what I was going to eat. I enjoyed my share of healthier restaurant foods along with the occasional ice cream and hot dogs.

For those of you who are still deciding whether to recover, or are struggling in recovery now, just keep in mind what you are recovering for. Recover in order to travel again, to enjoy dinners out with friends, or any other desires you may have that your ED voice is holding you back from.

What will you recover for?

 

 

 

 

Favorite healthy snack

Ingredients: Apple of choice, peanut butter of choice, and granola of choice

Directions: dip apple in peanut butter and then dip in granola

Tastes like caramel apple😉

The Tragic Transformation

Pre-anorexia (left)

During the ruts (center)

Recovery (right)

The Stair Struggle

She slowly struggles to climb three large flights of stairs, being passed by students who skip their way to the  top. Her heart pounds heavily and her breath is winded as she slowly makes her way. Her knees ache as she climbs. No, she is not an elderly woman.  She is 22 years old and has an eating disorder. She still goes for a 3-mile jog and to the gym later that night.

She is always tired no matter how many cups of coffee she has. And she is always cold, no matter how many layers of clothes she has on. She is anemic/iron deficient due to a lack of nutrients. She feels bloated and constipated constantly because she isn’t ingesting enough to pass through her body. Her hair looses its bounce and becomes dull and  brittle.

She goes to the doctor to have her blood drawn, yet her veins are so small they have to poke her multiple times (and sometimes with multiple people) to obtain a sample. She is always dehydrated, no matter how many bottles of water she consumes to keep herself feeling full. She is always thinking about food, yet she won’t let herself eat more than a salad for lunch.

She was me three years ago.

Take Action on World Eating Disorder Day!

Congrats ED community, tomorrow is the first World Eating Disorder Action Day! The goal is to increase eating disorder awareness, eliminate myths, and evoke policy change. In spirit of World ED Action Day, I have decided to take my own form of action…by finally sharing my story with friends and family on Facebook.

Opening up (to what feels like the whole world) is extremely difficult, but equally as important. So for the friends and family who are reading this: yes I know you told me so, your rumors and thoughts were correct. I am finally ready to openly admit I had an eating disorder, and am still in recovery. I am neither proud nor embarrassed. I am who I am and I happen to have a mental illness. All I ask is that you don’t judge me before doing your research and reading more of my blogs to get the full story.

I appreciate those family members and friends who tried to reach out to me, and I am sorry for being too stubborn to admit I had a problem. Denial is a powerful force (just read my previous blog about it). I realize now how much my eating disorder affected my family and relationships. That is why I decided to ask my sister, mother, father, and grandmother to write a letter to me detailing their experience during this time.

Here is the letter from my younger sister: (the other letters will come in time)

 

Dear Ashley,

There’s nothing harder than watching the woman you looked up to for 15 years begin to wither away before your very eyes. Especially when the problem is so easily fixable, and yet you can do nothing to help. I mean, I couldn’t force you to eat and I couldn’t stop you from exercising. I could only watch as you turned away every burger, every chicken leg, every bowl of ice cream, even a single cookie. You were practically just skin on bones. Everyone who saw you would mention how skinny you were. There were times when I could see your rib cage through your chest. For two years I looked away. I pretended there was nothing wrong with you. Acted oblivious to the illness that was ravaging your mind and destroying your body. But I couldn’t ignore the anger I would feel when I would mention wanting to eat healthier and exercise and be told, “You sound just like Ashley” or “You don’t need to, don’t be like Ashley.” Eventually, the family stopped trying to adjust to your new lifestyle, and started trying to help you get better instead. And relationships got pretty tense. You were really stubborn; you ignored comments about your weight, you refused to eat food offered to you, and you would argue with anyone who tried to explain to you that you’re really sick and that you needed to quit this “healthy lifestyle” because it wasn’t healthy at all. You may have found them annoying in these moments, but they were only trying to help you and keep you alive. I started getting extremely nervous when you mentioned you were missing school a lot to take trips to the doctor and the hospital. I hope they told you being under 90 lbs wasn’t healthy for you. I hope they told you that you were exercising too much and not getting enough calories. I don’t know why you had an epiphany or what caused it, but thank God you did, because I don’t know how much longer you would have lasted living like that. I’m glad you finally acknowledged that you had a serious illness, and took steps to overcome it. You turned your life around. You didn’t just survive your anorexia, you beat it.

Love, your little sister,

Brittany

The letter was extremely difficult to read, but it is also powerful and motivational. Being 7 years older than my sister and 11 years older than my brother, I was always the second parent and mediator of all situations. (Especially during and after my parents’ divorce.) I wanted nothing more than to be the best role model for them. I was the quintessential “oldest child”…with a type-A, perfectionist personality. Never would I have thought, that my younger sister would actually become a role model for myself.

I encourage you all to take action in your own way. You can also sign the pledge against eating disorders on http://worldeatingdisordersday.org

The happiest day of my life is the day I got my .

Period!!!!! The one week out of the month that most women (and their significant others) dread. But if my boyfriend wasn’t asleep in the other room I’d be shouting for all my neighbors to hear. I haven’t had my period in three years. Today marks the day that my body is recovered. (Though I know it takes 3 consecutive months to know that it will stick). I cant help but feel overwhelming optimism for full recovery.

If you are struggling to get their menstrual cycle AND you are back to their pre-eating disorder weight (or even slightly heavier)…then I recommend you try the 10-day Provera. It can help jump-start your menstrual cycle if ED caused a hormonal imbalance. You will ONLY get your period if you are back to a weight your body is comfortable with.

At this point I’m not jumping to the conclusion that I am fully recovered. I still have to work on the mental part of recovery, and my ongoing obsession with the gym. But today is a fiet nonetheless.

Today’s word prompt: Fork

I never considered participating in the daily word prompt…until I saw today’s challenge: fork. The word couldn’t be more relevant for what I want to talk about today: mindful eating.

This has been an extremely difficult task for me throughout recovery and is something I have yet to master. Being able to listen to my body and hunger cues, eat what I’m in the mood for, and to actively enjoy and savor each bite symbolizes full recovery to me. (After having maintained a healthy weight).

My challenge for you (and myself) is to be actively engaged with what’s on your fork. For starters, I challenge you to eat with all five senses..listening to the crackling while cooking, smelling the aroma, seeing the colors, tasting each flavor and spice, and feeling the textures. Most importantly, be thankful for what’s on your fork, the nourishment you are giving your body, and the sensational feeling of enjoyment. Food is not solely meant to be nutritious, it’s meant to be enjoyed and to be enjoyed with others. Therefore, I challenge you to also share your fork with someone else.

Keep using that fork.

-Recovery Road

Sigi yogurt and oat pancakes

I was very shocked at how similar these taste to actual pancakes! If blueberry isn’t your style, try vanilla Sigi with chocolate chips or protein powder.

Ingredients:

• 1 container blueberry Sigi yogurt
• 1/2 cup rolled oats
• 1 egg
• 1/2 medium banana, ripened
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 tsp baking powder(I used baking soda)
• Blueberries
• Honey or maple syrup

Directions: Blend together all ingredients except blueberries and honey/maple syrup, until liquid. Grease pan with spray, olive oil, or butter and pour batter onto the pan. (I was able to make 4 small pancakes.) Add blueberries to batter and flip until cooked thoroughly. Top with honey or maple syrup and enjoy:)

I had an eating disorder, but I hated how skinny I was

Eating disorders are typically associated with the never-ending desire to be thin. No matter how frail a person with an eating disorder may look, those with body dysmorphia will still see a much larger body. In my case however, the skinnier I got…the more self-conscious I became. I wanted nothing more than to gain weight and retreat back to my pre-orthorexic/anorexic body. The only problem is I had no idea how to gain weight, or how to give up my strict diet and exercise.

If I didn’t want to be that thin, then why did I have an eating disorder? Well it started with a desire to have a lean fitness-model physique and to start eating healthy, because that’s how the media says we should look and eat. A combination of stress and a biological predisposition led me to develop an eating disorder and lose way more of my body weight then I intended…or ever wanted to.

I still remember telling my friends and family that I wanted and was trying to gain weight! It was the truth…to an extent.

After realizing I had an eating disorder, it wasn’t a quick turnaround. My grandmother couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t just eat burgers, fries, and milkshakes until I gained the weight back. Why not, you ask? Because I couldn’t. I was TERRIFIED of burgers, fries,  and milkshakes. I was so comfortable with my salads, grilled tilapia, sweet potato, and oatmeal. Eating anything outside of my comfort zone meant no longer eating healthy…which meant accepting defeat, giving up control, and entering the unknown. Not to mention reopening my emotional basket case that I had put a deadbolt on. You’ve heard the saying ‘everyone handles their emotions differently”, right? Well some people use eating disorders to dumb the feeling of pain, but as a side effect it also dumbs feelings of joy, compassion, lust, or love.

I am finally back to my pre-Orthorexia weight and feel more confident and comfortable in my skin than I did at my lower weight. Recovery is slow and can usually not be done alone. Being as hard headed as I am, I tried to tackle recovery completely on my own. I made it about halfway through the process and gained some weight, but I was stuck in the grey zone between the light of full recovery and the dark of my eating disorder. I was eating enough food for the average person, but I was still sitting below a healthy BMI and clinging to my clean diet. I also haven’t had a menstrual cycle in close to three years. Did you know that it typically takes almost twice as many calories during recovery to gain weight back? A condition called hypermetabolism often occurs as the body tries to utilize all of the nutrients it was previously denied. It took a specialized nutritionist, therapist, and my determination to get me where I am today (three years later), and I still have more recovering to do.

If anyone shares a similar experience to me, or would just like to share…please comment below!

What I know now, and wish I knew then.

There are many things I wish I would of known when I started eating “healthy”.

First, how many calories a healthy, active person needs in a day. The media (Pinterest was my addiction) only portrays diet plans or what little a certain celebrity eats in a day. In addition, calorie calculator websites will tell you completely different numbers and vary exponentially depending on your activity level. Who really knows whether they’re moderately active or active?

Second, its nearly impossible to get enough calories off of plants, fruits, and lean meats. You need healthy fats and carbs too, but the media will tell you almost everything is bad for you.

Third, how much harm I was really doing to my body and how sick I looked. The blinders of denial are extremely powerful. I wish someone would of known how to effectively approach the problem I had, no matter how stubborn I was.

Fourth, I wish I would of known how secluded I would become and how ED would affect my family and friends. I avoided all family gatherings because I knew the food that would be laid on the buffet table. I also made a million excuses to skip going out to eat with friends.

Fifth, the temporary and permanent affects an eating disorder has on the brain. Did you know eating disorders actually cause vital organs and bones to shrink? I often have trouble focusing and forget things easily. It has affected my work and showing up to appointments on time.

Lastly, I wish I would of known how hard it would be to recover. I wish I would of known I would lose a third of my hair, have an extremely slow digestive system, and a hyper-metabolism to make it extremely difficult to gain weight. If I would of known sooner what my strict diet was doing to me…and what it would take to recover…I would like to think I could of turned things around much sooner.

What did they teach about eating disorders in high school health class? That an eating disorder is for attention-seeking, self-centered teenage girls who want to be model skinny. What they didn’t teach, is that eating disorders are physiological diseases, that one in five people with an eating disorder will die, or the many signs of an eating disorder. The educational system failed to tell me many things I wish I would of known about an eating disorder, nor did it educate my family and friends on the proper way to approach someone who has an eating disorder. I can only hope that the educational system has changed since I was in high school, or that a change is soon approaching.